Songs Of My Heart
by Rachel Selina
Summary: This is a series of short stories based around The Lighthouse Family lyrics.  The time frame is season 2 and starts in Giving Thanks.  The other chapters will cover various episodes leading up to Return Engagement.
1. A Question Of Faith

**Author's Note **Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E. All copyright belongs to both CBS and The Lighthouse Family whose lyrics I am borrowing.

**A Question Of Faith**

Sully sat pondering the last few weeks. He and Michaela had started courting, and he had thought that all was going well, stupidly it now appeared. Michaela was the love of his life, that much was certain, but he was more than a little puzzled how such an eloquent speaker and fantastic doctor could be so unsure and naïve in matters of the heart. He knew that she had been badly hurt in the past, when David left to go to war. He also knew, or at least strongly suspected, that she had absolutely no experience when it came to the physical side of a loving relationship. Unfortunately it was this particular issue that had caused him to be sitting where he was. On his own in the cold, staring unseeing into the night air.

As he tried to order his thoughts the words of an old poem came to mind, he was sure that his father had read it many many years ago.

**Can't see the truth in triggered words**  
**Don't need a mountain for a wall**  
**See the big old moon spin around the world**  
**Somehow it makes me feel so small**

**I know I've been living the simple life, really that's the main thing**  
**Nowadays nobody speaks about the way they feel about things**  
**I know I need something to set me right, now it seems there's nothing**  
**Nowadays nobody thinks about a way to ease the suffering**

Sully really felt those first few verses, yes his life had been simple and almost minimalistic, until now he hadn't seen anything wrong with this way of living. After all he had spent many years with the Cheyenne, and they had taught him to value everything that life offered. Thinking more on the words of the second verse Sully was adamant that it was definitely the lack of communication that had resulted in the argument that had caused the separation. Granted he was not the biggest conversationalist, but they had only been back from Boston a matter of weeks, and both were struggling, to a greater or lesser degree, with this new part of their friendship.

As they had walked through the woods earlier today, Sully had tried to explain what he thought courting was all about. Unfortunately his interpretation of the word was so far removed from Michaela's that it would have been funny had the latter events not made it so sad.

The town had all but rejected every idea that Michaela had come up with to help alleviate the drought. This had naturally, or at least naturally for the out spoken Michaela, caused her to retreat into her defensive shell. However Sully was learning that a defensive Michaela was actually more dangerous than an assertive one. She didn't retreat and say nothing in her defensive state, no, Michaela argued and fought with every bit of passion she had in her, all the time knowing that she would fail. Simply because Sully knew she couldn't accept defeat, he knew that she would view it as a failure, and in turn would see it as the town turning against her.

Sully knew that she didn't actually care that much about what people thought of her as a doctor, with the exception of their recent time in Boston. However as a woman he was learning that she had a very vulnerable side. A side that no one else was privy too. And it was this side that was causing Sully the most pain. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her everything would be ok. However the problem with that was simply that Michaela wouldn't allow him to get close enough to do it.

When they had walked away from each other, in the heat of the moment saying that they couldn't change and didn't have enough in common, Sully had skulked off like a petulant child while Michaela had stood there staring at his retreating back. Sully had always taken to going off on his own when things got out of hand, or he wanted to think, and this was one of those times. Unfortunately he realized now that he had failed in three areas: he had neglected to tell Michaela about this trait, crucially he hadn't said that he'd be back, and most importantly he had failed to tell Michaela that he still loved her. All of this he suspected had not only served as confirmation for Michaela's words, but also a reminder that she had every right to protect her heart, and had in fact started to break her own walls down in this instance, only to have it seemingly thrown into her face.

It didn't take Sully long to realise how stupid he was being. However there was one thing that Sully was surer of now than anything, and it was the contents of the next section of the poem:

**Baby I know you're the first thing**  
**I believe in, honestly**  
**How do you prove what you can't see?**  
**Well, it's a question of faith**  
**Baby I know you're the first thing**  
**I believe in, honestly**  
**Say you don't know enough about me**  
**Well, it's a question of faith**

All he had to do was convince Michaela to trust him, and in turn their future as a couple.

No sooner had he thought of that verse than the last one slammed into him, and this one was speaking loud and clear:

**Don't wanna complain, the weather could be worse**  
**But I wish I'd learned from my mistakes**  
**Don't really need no clever words**  
**To understand what's in your face**

There was no doubt that Michaela's distraught face was engrained on Sully's memory. The look in her eyes was pleading with him to do something, anything. But all he did was leave her. It was plain to see that Michaela was no where near as capable in communicating her deepest wishes and fears, as she was about telling the town what to do.

Sully knew that there was only one person that could rectify their current dilemma, and that person was him. Taking a deep cleansing breath, and with a new purpose in his soul, Sully got up to head towards the homestead, and his future.


	2. The Rain Of Emotion

**The Rain of Emotion**

Michaela was sitting in her favourite spot, a place where she always chose when the children had gone to bed, a place where she could just be Michaela.

She thought back to the mini argument that had transpired earlier that afternoon. She had tried to teach Sully to dance, as the Sweethearts dance was coming up. Unfortunately he was not the patient of students, and seemed to be more interested in kissing and touching than learning the steps. Michaela had got embarrassed, pulled away, and accused Sully of something that she now couldn't remember. The end result though was Sully storming off in a huff, and Michaela retreating to the barn, to softly cry out her frustration.

Having not seen Sully all evening Michaela was feeling more than a little insecure, unsure if he was still mad with her, or just that he was busy. She had settled everyone for the night and retreated out onto the porch with one of her father's poetry books. Sitting here quietly, listening to the animals' calls, Michaela had randomly opened the book and started reading one of the poems, the words immediately speaking to her:

**There ain't no point holding back the tide,**  
**Still gonna get ya**  
**'Cause every little bird's gotta learn to fly**  
**Sooner or later**

Michaela felt that this was in essence what Sully had been trying to tell her for the last few weeks. He knew that she was inexperienced, but he also knew that their feelings were so deep that physical attraction was not something that could be avoided forever. Michaela knew that Sully would never push her into a situation that she simply couldn't handle, but she also knew that with the way he was coaxing her, her emotions were all over the place. However when she read the words of the next verse a cold shiver ran through her:

**I don't wanna lose you,**  
**Can't always do what you wanna do**  
**There ain't no point holding back the tide,**  
**Don't waste your time**

This verse frightened Michaela more than she was willing to acknowledge. The mere thought of Sully not being there for her was a terrifying prospect, but she also knew that if this were to happen there was every chance that she would blame herself for not letting him in, and loving him freely. The only problem was that she still didn't really know how to achieve that, but Michaela knew that with the way things were currently was not going to change this. However, she also knew that there was, in all honesty, not a very high probability of Sully leaving her life completely. She knew that their friendship would still be there, even if a loving relationship wasn't, and this calmed her a little.

Determined to keep reading, as she felt that a lot of knowledge was being imparted, Michaela continued on with the next verse:

**'Cause everything is out there**  
**And there's no limits out there**  
**We could be reaching out for anything if we try enough**

Oh if only it were that simple Michaela said to herself. Her mother had always taught her that there were limits to everything. She knew that while her father was alive he insisted that she could do what she wanted and had pushed at those maternally enforced limits. It was only with her father's backing that she had achieved becoming a doctor. However, it wasn't the limits of her career choice that tormented Michaela's mind now. No, it was the limits that years of Boston society had over her. She wanted to be able to put aside these restrictions, but simply didn't know how, when it came to matters such as the emotions that Sully caused her to experience. She acknowledged that the last line summed up her current thoughts exactly; she wanted to be able to reach out to him and do anything.

Although the air was now colder and Michaela was growing tired, she didn't hesitate to see what the next verse said:

**There ain't no point holding back desire,**  
**Still gonna get ya**  
**Strangers on a train driving through the night,**  
**Soon overtakes ya**  
**If someone feels the same as you,**  
**Might as well just do what you wanna do**  
**There ain't no point holding back desire,**  
**Don't waste your time**

The irony of these words was certainly not lost on Michaela. The fact that a train had brought the declaration of love, and Michaela home to Sully, would always be a strong memory. When Michaela thought back to those fleeting moments in the dirt street, right outside the saloon, here in Colorado Springs, she felt herself tingle. Oh how she had wished that Sully could have just whisked her away. But of course that was a fairy tale, and real life had a nasty way of bursting those kinds of imaginings. Michaela finally admitted to herself just what a waste of time the last few months had been. The energy that both she and Sully had used trying to deny what was so plain to see was completely ridiculous now.

But the desire that they felt for each other was still being held firmly in check by Michaela, because she was simply too scared and inexperienced to let it breathe. Glancing down at the final verse:

**Let the daylight in on a better day**  
**It's been too long we've been**  
**Living under a raincloud**

**Daylight in on a better day**  
**It's been too long we've been**  
**Living under a raincloud**

Michaela realised that only by allowing her feelings room to be nurtured would she herself grow as well. She vowed that when Sully called by next, or she saw him in town, she would try to talk to him and let the daylight in to their love, and apologise for her part in their argument.

With this decision made, although unsure if she would have the courage to carry it out, Michaela closed the book and turned to go into the homestead for the night, feeling a little more settled than she had before.


	3. Time Apart

**Time Apart**

Sully knew that he would never forget this day as long as he lived. The sheer panic that filled his very being was so powerful that it almost caused his heart to stop. He was still rooted to the very spot where his world had ceased to exist, his eyes just staring at the last place he had seen her, his voice long since hoarse from yelling after her retreating form.

The day hadn't started that well, but the weather had been wonderful for the time of year. Sully had been up at the Cheyenne village, simply visiting, when his beloved had arrived earlier than expected and all hell had let loose.

Michaela, being who she was, had seen no harm in arriving early, because all she wanted to do was to make sure that the Government's supplies got to her friends in good time. However, when she clearly saw the error of this decision, as there were Dog Soldiers in the camp, she just instinctively knew what would happen next. And unfortunately she had been proved right, as the soldiers that had brought the supplies, had been shot in the back then stripped.

However, when Sully had then told her that she would have to lie to Custer, should he ask what had happened, he knew that she simply couldn't do this. A dishonest Michaela simply wasn't part of the woman he loved. Unfortunately it was this very part of her that had caused the Dog Soldiers to abduct her, seeking revenge for a crime that she simply couldn't avoid.

So as Sully continued to stare at the now settling dust, which had hours before seen the disappearance of his heartsong, he noticed the fading sun as evening crept closer. He couldn't help but think how even the sky above him seemed to reflect how desperate and dark the current situation was. Even the animals seemed to have picked up on his mood. There was complete silence everywhere. Sully was by nature a believer in Mother Earth, and he was almost convincing himself that the animals were quiet simply because Michaela wasn't there to share their enjoyment at life. Granted he knew that this was completely illogical, but in times like this it seemed to Sully that the mind had its own agenda.

He was once more reminded of an old poem that his father had read to him as a boy:

**Ain't no sunshine when she's gone**  
**It's not warm when she's away**  
**Ain't no sunshine when she's gone**  
**And she's always gone too long**  
**Anytime she goes away**

**Wonder this time where she's gone**  
**Wonder if she's gone to stay**  
**Ain't no sunshine when she's gone**  
**And this house just ain't no home**  
**Anytime she goes away**

**Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone**  
**But ain't no sunshine when she's gone,**  
**Only darkness everyday**  
**Ain't no sunshine when she's gone**  
**And this house just ain't no home anytime**

**She goes away**

Sully just prayed that the words would carry a different ending, as he vowed to bring his heartsong back to the loving arms of her family no matter how long it took. So forcing himself to move he jumped on board the wagon and set off to town, knowing that he would need supplies and a horse for his long search. A search that he was determined to complete with Michaela back by his side where she belonged.


	4. Restless

**Restless **

As Sully walked away from the homestead he knew that if he looked back all his courage would fail him, and his words would have been for nothing. He had just said the hardest thing in his life, to the most important person in his life. He had just told Michaela that he would leave her free to decide what she wanted, and all he wanted was for her to be happy. That he would always be her friend. All of that was completely true, but as they say the truth hurts.

Suddenly realising that he had reached their mountain; a place that he hadn't been for quite a few months, Sully stopped and took in some ragged breaths. Quickly building a fire and reaching into his jacket pocket for some jerky, Sully sat down cross legged and let his mind think back over the past few weeks. In his mind's wanderings words of a poem came to him:

**When I first met you I thought**  
**I ain't searching any more**  
**'Cause we've got everything**  
**I've been looking for**  
**And now I'm not so sure**  
**I can be who you want**  
**There'll always be a part of me**  
**Wondering**

**I'm just a lost soul looking for my home**  
**I'm just a lost soul looking for my home**

Sully knew that what he was feeling wasn't simply skin deep, but a deep soul rending pain, as he faced the fact that he may have lost another loved one. Granted Michaela wasn't dead, but his soul was too quiet, as the other part of him was absent.

When he had confessed his feelings to her all those months ago, his soul had cheered as loud as the train's whistle, he really did believe that peace was on the horizon. He had found a home for both his heart and soul. This was definitely confirmed in Sully's mind, when Michaela had returned his feelings with her own confession of love. His soul had rejoiced again, and now he felt like he had been evicted from his own home.

This home wasn't one of wood and nails, no this home was one of comfort and reassurance. A place where the warm loving arms and words of his heartsong could be found.

The next verse came to Sully's mind as he prodded the fire with a stick:

**When I learnt that you had gone**  
**For a week I carried on**  
**Until the truth that dawn dawned on me**  
**Hit me like a stone**  
**And it's taken me so long**  
**To know where I went wrong**  
**You always make the same mistakes**  
**Until you learn**

**I'm just a lost soul looking for my home**  
**I'm just a lost soul looking for my home**

Sully remembered the first time since David had come to town that he felt Michaela's heart pulled in two different directions. He knew his behaviour at the start had rather resembled a petulant child, who had been asked to share their favourite toy. He was not proud of how he had handled things, but his recent words to Michaela would hopefully make her realize that his initial reaction was one that was driven by shock, not distrust.

He just prayed that his soul would be given another opportunity to rectify his mistakes, however small they were. Unfortunately there was nothing that he could do to aid or hasten the resolution this time. The call had to be made by Michaela. He had given her the time to decide, and now he had to be patient enough to let that decision come naturally. Both his soul and his heart knew that rushing her could cause irreparable damage; therefore he took a deep breath and settled back for a long night, hoping that his restless soul would once again know peace.


	5. Freedom

**Freedom**

As Michaela sat on the porch, alone as the children had stayed in town, sensing that their Ma needed some quiet. She wondered how her perfect world had got so confused. She did in fact know the answer to that question, and that answer was one word. David.

Oh what a tortuous few weeks it had been. When she allowed her mind to roll of its own accord, she realised that not every aspect of the previous fortnight had been pain filled. Quite the opposite in fact as she could feel herself growing warm from the memory.

The days had been beautiful, and both she and Sully had taken to spending the afternoon walking quietly in the woods near town, simply being free enough to enjoy each others time without interruption. They had occasionally sneaked soft kisses or caresses. Michaela was surprised at how far she had come, since their initial trouble filled courtship days. And if truth be told she actually enjoyed the sparking aspect of this new relationship.

It was on one of these peace-filled afternoon strolls when Sully had first noticed that Michaela's mind seemed to be out of sorts. When he had asked her if she was okay, Michaela had simply replied with, "You do love me don't you?" Not sure herself where the doubt had sprung from, and realising that it was too late now to take it back, or pretend she had not meant to say it in the first place, Michaela had instantly lowered her face in embarrassment. Sully of course saw what was happening, and understood Michaela's question for what it was, need for reassurance. Not delaying any longer he just as simply replied by saying, "'Course I do" and leant in to softly brush his fingers across her cheek in confirmation. Noting that the message had been understood and taken in, Michaela had fallen into Sully's waiting arms and smiled contently.

With the momentary doubt fading from her mind, the couple had continued on their circular stroll, knowing that time was getting away from then and Michaela would need to head back to the clinic.

Over the following few days the couple continued as they had been, until Sully began to feel ill. Michaela found him one day whilst out looking for herbs, and had diagnosed migraines as the cause; however Sully felt that something was out of balance, and had suggested a sweat lodge. Knowing how much faith Sully had in the Cheyenne customs Michaela agreed and had set about doing as she was told in order to set the lodge up. During the ceremony Sully had a vision which caused him to doubt Michaela's commitment. Needing to ally his fears for her potential departure, he had desperately called to her, and then in the heat of the lodge proposed.

Michaela had accepted readily, and the kiss that had followed would serve to fuel Michaela's dreams for many nights to come. With Sully feeling better the pair had returned home blissfully happy.

It was at this moment Michaela would later realise that her world had started to crash down around her as they met a visitor. Voicing interest in the areas of nature and geology, both of which Michaela knew Sully would be able to freely converse in; she had innocently invited this stranger back to the homestead, to share supper with her family.

Initially all had got along well, however in the days that followed this apparent stranger had showed far more interest in Michaela herself than in the areas previously discussed. This in turn had put a strain on Sully and Michaela's budding relationship, with Sully frequently scowling and Michaela blushing with embarrassment at his reaction.

It was only when this apparent stranger revealed his true identity did everything start to really implode for Michaela. Now as she continued to reflect on what had transpired, Michaela was reminded of a poem that her father had read to her as a child, then the words had simply fuelled her dreams of getting out of the restrictive society led Boston, now those same words had a completely different meaning.

The phrases drilled much deeper now, not just into her imagination, but right into her very being as a woman. She studied them with much more interest than ever before:

**I wish I knew how it would feel to be free**  
**I wish I could break all the chains holding me**  
**I wish I could say all the things that I should say**  
**Say 'em loud say 'em clear**  
**For the whole wide world to hear**

**I wish I could share**  
**All the love that's in my heart**  
**Remove all the bars that keep us apart**  
**And I wish you could know how feels to be me**  
**Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free**

**I wish I could be like a bird in the sky**  
**How sweet it would be if I found I could fly**  
**Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea**  
**And I'd sing cos I know how it feels to be free**

**I wish I knew how it would feel to be free**  
**I wish I could break all the chains holding me**  
**And I wish I could say all the things that I wanna say**  
**Say 'em loud say 'em clear**  
**For the whole wide world to hear**  
**Say 'em loud say 'em clear**  
**For the whole wide world to hear**  
**Say 'em loud say 'em clear**  
**For the whole wide world to hear**

**One love one blood**  
**One life you've got to do what you should**  
**One life with each other**  
**Sisters, brothers**

**One love but we're not the same**  
**We got to carry each other Carry each other**  
**One One One One One...**

**I wish I knew how it would feel to be free**  
**I wish I knew how it would feel to be free**

It was only when Michaela thought back on those last words that she realised she was indeed free. Sully had given her the freedom she desperately craved, but hadn't yet acknowledged. The freedom to know her own mind and believe her own heart.

With this knowledge now so firmly engrained in her, Michaela started to walk towards an unknown location. Speeding up, and feeling that it was imperative to reach her destination before sunset, Michaela was more determined than ever to right the wrong that her past had done. She knew with a certainty she had never before known that her future was with one person, and one person only. Sully.


End file.
